Perfect
by PurpleCardi
Summary: Teenage Maura struggles with the constant pressure to be perfect. Rizzles AU.
1. Sleepover

**A/N: This is something I've had in my mind for awhile now. This story is going to be a little darker than my other stories, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Please let me know what you think and, if you're experiencing any of this and need someone to talk to, I'm always a message away.**

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It had started out innocently enough—a sleepover with friends after a long week of school. There was plenty of junk food to go around, but nearly every girl was afraid to reach for it. Maura, not knowing why the other girls weren't eating, reached for a handful of popcorn and immediately regretted it when she saw the other girls looking at her in disgust. She realized they were judging her although they didn't have the nerve to say anything. Putting the popcorn back was unsanitary, so she gingerly ate each piece in hopes that her friends would soon change the subject.

Maura hadn't eaten since lunch and the hunger pangs she was feeling were starting to worsen, but she dared not say anything to her friends—not that they actually were her friends. They were more Jane's friends or, more specifically, Jane's friends' girlfriends. The girls had planned a sleepover during their lunch period two days before and Maura was invited by default.

"It'll be good for you," Jane had told her, but she would have rather gone on a date with Jane or spent time in Jane's friend's basement with Jane and the guys while they all played video games and talked about sports. Maura wasn't an active participant, but she liked spending time with Jane and Jane's friends always made her feel welcomed.

Maura knew her girlfriend was looking out for her and encouraging her to have her own social outlet, but Jane was wrong. The sleepover wasn't good for her and she didn't see herself making friends or fitting in with these girls, not that she actually wanted to.

"Brenda is a real porker," one of the girls said while they were all sitting on sleeping bags and watching _House of Style. _Their friend Brenda had just left to the bathroom to remove her makeup and the rest of the girls, save for Maura, couldn't wait to make fun of her.

"She's beautiful," Maura interjected. "I think she looks like the girls in the magazines."

"If she lost ten pounds," a girl named Jenny smirked. "Or maybe she doesn't need to lose weight at all. Maybe she could just take the fat from her thighs and have it injected into her boobs. Instant swimsuit model."

A brunette girl named Dana stopped polishing her nails and spoke to Maura for the first time that night. "Aren't you worried that Jane's going to leave you?"

"Jane wouldn't leave her," Brenda said as she rejoined the party. Maura looked her up and down and the more she looked at Brenda the more she envied her and the more she worried what the girls would say about _her _when she left to take off her makeup.

"Don't be so sure of yourself," Dana warned Maura. "You don't have the best body. You're kinda socially awkward and, to be perfectly blunt, you don't put out."

"Did Jane tell you anything?" Maura asked.

"No," Jenny answered before Dana could get another word in. "But it's obvious."

Maura knew it must not have been so obvious if she had no idea what they were talking about and she was torn between wanting them to clarify and wanting to change the subject.

While the girls returned to watching _House of Style _and raiding Jenny's stash of teen magazines, Maura noticed that her girlfriend was looking at her from the doorway of Jenny's bedroom. Jane had no sleeping bag or other belongings so Maura wondered how long she was going to stay.

_I'd even share my sleeping bag with her_, Maura thought. _Just please stay, Jane._

"Hi, Jane," the girls said as sweetly as they could.

Jane was taken aback by how friendly they were. The girls had never been uppity in front of her, but they had never been overly friendly either. "I'm here to pick up Maura."

Dana gasped. "Is something wrong? We can't possibly let go of Maura."

"Everything is fine," Jane insisted. "I just missed her."

"Will you have her back in a timely manner?" Dana batted her eyelashes.

If Maura had a say in this, she wouldn't be returning at all. As far as she was concerned Jane had rescued her and there was no way she'd ever join them for another sleepover. While the girls made small talk with Jane, Maura quickly gathered her belongings and left without saying goodbye. She knew it was rude, but she just couldn't bring herself to be cordial with them.

"I'm sorry for making you hang out with them," Jane said once they were in the car. "I thought it'd be good for you, but I couldn't get you out of my mind and I worried about how they were going to treat you. They're different when they're boyfriends aren't around, aren't they?"

"Yeah," Maura said glumly. "Jane, can we get something to eat?"

"I'm craving a burger or just something greasy," Jane smiled. "How about you?"

"Maybe just a salad," Maura responded.

"Don't tell me you're dieting. You don't need to lose any weight."

Maura just smiled at her girlfriend. "I'll take a bite of your burger."

"No," Jane teased. "I don't share. We'll order you a burger of your own."

As long as she was with Jane, her mind was occupied. They ate a late dinner, they kissed in her car, and talked until it neared Jane's curfew. She was secure in her relationship with Jane, but the moment she laid her head on her pillow after their date, the conversations she had at the sleepover began to fill her mind until she was finally able to fall asleep.


	2. Reflection

**A/N: Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. :)**

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Maura hadn't been looking forward to school the Monday after the sleepover, but the thought of seeing Jane was what helped her get through her morning routine. After her shower, she attempted to put on a pair of jeans that she had bought over the summer but had yet to wear. The jeans fit her comfortably, but Maura was startled by what she saw when she caught her reflection in the mirror.

Her waist size hadn't changed and her height hadn't changed, but the more she looked at herself in the mirror the more she was convinced that her hips had widened. _It's a natural part of puberty_, Maura tried to tell herself. _You're sixteen-years-old and you're becoming a woman. It's normal to notice changes in your body._

Her pep talk lasted for a couple of minutes and she tried her hardest to use scientific facts as reasoning, but the more she tried to mentally reason with herself the more frustrated she became. With only half an hour left and a hair and makeup routine that she had yet to begin, Maura quickly put on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt that Jane had worn to basketball camp. It wasn't a summer camp, per se, but it was an intensive week-long eight-hours a day program for all students interested in making the girls' varsity basketball team at their school. Jane had been on the team since she was a freshman, but it was a requirement that all girls tryout every year.

Although Maura had little to no interest in basketball, she made it appoint to attend every game before she and Jane were dating. Maura didn't believe in love at first sight, but she believed it was possible to instantly be attracted to someone because it happened the moment Jane transferred into her honors biology class. Jane wasn't a popular girl, but she had friends who cared about her and people who respected her on campus. She was sarcastic, but she wasn't a bully and she never had an unkind word to say unlike some of the other girls at their school.

Maura admired Jane from a distance in hopes that she would someday take the time to notice her, but she never did. She'd smile at Maura and say hello to her, but Maura chocked it up to her just being friendly and there was never any further interaction between the two of them even when Maura attended every one of Jane's basketball games. After every game, Maura would try to work up the nerve to say something—_anything _—to Jane. Even if she embarrassed herself she figured it would be better than saying nothing at all. Instead, Maura remained quiet in the stands and watched as Jane made conversation with the girls on her team. With each victory, Maura fantasized about running up to her and congratulating her and someday being the girl fortunate enough to kiss her.

She had never experienced a crush before Jane and with every missed opportunity Maura's heart broke just a little bit more.

It was on the last day of their sophomore year that Maura finally worked up the nerve to do something about her crush. While Jane passed her yearbook around for their class to sign, Maura quickly jotted down nothing more than her name and phone number inside of a heart. She had never had any social interaction with Jane so she couldn't jot down any inside jokes or something along the lines of, "What a crazy year we had." Instead, she hoped her name and phone number written inside of a heart would get her message across.

Maura simultaneously hoped for a phone call and dreaded one for fear of having nothing worthwhile to say. An entire summer passed without a phone call from Jane, but on the first day of school she noticed Jane standing against the doors of the school's front entryway. Her eyes were scanning every student that passed by until she caught sight of Maura. Once their eyes met, Jane maneuvered through the crowd and approached Maura.

"Here," Jane said as she walked up to Maura and handed her a note. It was the first time Maura had stood so close to Jane and she felt her heart start to race. She noticed Jane's dimples when she smiled and the scent of her perfume. Maura was already trying to memorize little details about Jane before she had even read the note. "Don't read it in front of me. I wanted to call you, but I was so nervous that I dialed your number and hung up before the phone even rang once."

"It rang," Maura brought to her attention. "There was at least one phone call each day that rang only once."

Maura noticed Jane start to bite her lip. "That was me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Maura insisted. "Why were you standing by the door right now?"

Jane looked down at her shoes. "I don't know your homeroom or where your locker is, so I figured if I got here early and waited by the entryway, I'd eventually see you."

When the bell signaling the start of homeroom rang, Maura had expected Jane to go her separate way, but instead she walked her to class even though it meant she'd arrive late to her own homeroom. The two of them made awkward conversation along the way, but neither of them wanted the moment to end.

While everyone else was listening to the morning announcements, Maura unfolded the note Jane had given her and started to read. _"Sorry I was too nervous to call. I think you're beautiful and I've wanted to talk to you since I was transferred into your bio class, but I was too nervous to do that, too. Sit by me at lunch today?"_

She sat by Jane at lunch that day and every school day since then. Only a single month had passed since Jane had given her that note, but they had already shared so much and, when Jane asked her to be her girlfriend, Maura felt as if everything in her life had fallen into place. She still wasn't popular, but she was no longer lonely and the girl she had liked since the beginning of sophomore year was hers to kiss whenever she wanted.

But none of that mattered when she was looking at her reflection in the mirror. She changed her outfit yet again and she was still unsatisfied with her appearance. While wearing her third outfit, Maura glanced at the clock and realized Jane would be arriving any moment to pick her up for school.

She'd have no time for breakfast, but that didn't bother her in the slightest. She thought of the calories that came with eating even the healthiest breakfast and was relieved that she wouldn't be adding that to her daily intake.

For the first time, Maura was going to skip breakfast, and the more she thought about the way she looked in her jeans and the comments the girls had made about her at the sleepover, she was going to try to skip lunch as well.


	3. A New Plan

**A/N: There are some trigger warnings in this chapter and I'm apologizing in advance, but I wanted to make Maura's struggle as accurate as I could.**

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Maura had started looking forward to Homecoming ever since her first date with Jane. She imagined wearing a dress similar to the dresses she saw in all of the teen magazines and looking beautiful for Jane. The two of them would hold each other close during all the slow songs and Maura would whisper in Jane's ear that she wanted to go somewhere private. Jane had never pressured Maura to do anything sexually and, in turn, Maura would never pressure her either because, for the two of them, it wasn't about how far they could get with each other. Maura genuinely enjoyed every moment she spent with her girlfriend and she wanted nothing more than to leave the dance early that night so they could spend the rest of the time kissing underneath the stars. Maura was expecting the most perfect night of her sixteen-year-old life and her only obstacle was finding the right dress.

With one month left until Homecoming, Jane and Maura planned a Saturday afternoon shopping trip to a department store. All of the local high schools were having homecoming dances sometime over the next two months so Maura wanted to start shopping while there was still a wide selection of dresses available.

Maura knew dress shopping wasn't Jane's favorite activity, but Jane patiently stayed by her girlfriend's side as she scoured the racks for dresses she wanted to try on. They all looked so appealing to Maura, so Jane offered to hold the dresses she had already found while she continued to look for others. Jane saw nothing special about these dresses especially for the prices they were being sold at, but she spent her time imagining how beautiful Maura was going to look in each of the dresses.

"Jane, are you going to try on any dresses?"

"And spend sixty dollars on a dress that I'm only going to wear once? No thanks," Jane responded as Maura added yet another dress to the pile Jane was already holding.

"You're not going to wear ripped jeans, are you?"

When Jane saw the look of complete and utter fear on her girlfriend's face, she bit her lip to keep herself from laughing. "I'm gonna wear what I'm gonna wear."

"Jane," Maura pleaded.

"I bought some black pants," Jane informed her. "After you get your dress, we can pick out a shirt for me in the same color."

"Even if it's bubblegum pink or fuschia?"

"Yes," Jane groaned. "I like you enough to wear bubblegum pink or fuschia. I'd even wear them combined, but I hate those colors so this is me begging you to get red or blue or anything but pink."

Maura looked at the single pink dress on top of the stack Jane was holding, but before she could grab it and put it away, Jane put a stop to what she was doing. "Jane, you don't like pink."

"No, but I like this one," Jane blushed. "It looks like it'd…hug you…in all of the right places."

"Jane!"

"What?" Jane smiled at her. "I'm attracted to my girlfriend and I don't care if the whole world knows. You're beautiful, Maura."

Hearing her girlfriend call her beautiful made Maura cringe. She didn't know what Jane saw when she looked at her, but she knew it was different from what she saw when she looked in the mirror. _I'm not beautiful,_ Maura thought as she grabbed the dresses from Jane. While Maura headed to the fitting rooms, Jane was left to wonder what she had said to bother her girlfriend.

Maura had taken ten dresses in the fitting room with her and she wasn't satisfied with a single one of them. Jane had told her that they looked great and by the final dress, Maura was tired of hearing it.

"Don't lie to me," Maura pleaded.

Jane remained on the chair just outside the fitting room. She was afraid to approach Maura, so she decided to keep her distance. "I'm not lying. What's wrong with this one?"

"It's too confining," Maura pointed out.

"Maybe you're just not in the mood for dress shopping," Jane told her. "Do you wanna go get ice cream right now?"

"No!" Maura raised her voice. "Jane, we just ate two hours ago."

Before Jane could respond, Maura closed the fitting room door. The dress she had tried on was supposed to be tight and it fit her the same way it fit the models in the teen magazines, but Maura no longer wanted to be like them. She wanted to be thinner than them and having a girlfriend who didn't gain weight regardless of how much junk food she consumed wasn't helping her self-esteem. What came to Jane naturally, Maura would have to work hard to achieve.

When the dress was off, Maura looked at herself in the mirror. She knew a change wouldn't come rapidly, but she had eaten only one meal a day for five days and she had only lost two pounds. Where those two pounds came from, she didn't know because when she looked at herself she saw the exact same girl she had seen in the mirror on Monday.

She had tried to skip lunch the first day, but there was no chance of skipping meals with Jane around to monitor her, so Maura would skip breakfast and dinner because they were meals served at home where nobody cared enough about her eating habits to monitor the amount of calories she was consuming.

Maura thought about the lunch she had earlier with Jane, the lunch that didn't fill her up because she hadn't eaten in twenty-four hours. The amount of calories she had consumed couldn't have been more than six or seven hundred, she figured, but the lack of change in her appearance made her feel as if that amount of calories was still too much. _I'm not seeing Jane tomorrow,_ she realized. _Tomorrow, I can drop my caloric intake to four or five hundred and if Jane wants me to eat anything fattening at school, I can throw it up after our lunch period._

With her new plan in mind, Maura left the store empty-handed. She liked the pink dress and her intentions were to purchase it when she wasn't with Jane so she could purchase a size smaller than what she currently wore. Instead of finding a dress that fit her, Maura was going to mold herself to fit the dress.


	4. Beautifully Empty

**A/N: Thank you, everyone, for your comments. They're greatly appreciated. :)**

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Jane and Maura's one-month anniversary had fallen on a school day, so neither Jane's parents nor Maura's allowed them to celebrate. Instead, they'd have to settle for seeing each other during their lunch break and between classes. Their parents saw little significance in their one-month anniversary but it was Jane and Maura's first relationship and first milestone in their relationship. They wouldn't be exchanging gifts until their anniversary celebration during the weekend, which gave Maura a few more days to finish Jane's gift. It was nothing flashy or even store-bought, but it held so much sentimental value for Maura and she hoped Jane would value it, too.

Maura woke up to the sound of her stomach rumbling, but instead of taking the time to eat breakfast, she decided to work on Jane's gift. There wasn't much work required to finish Jane's gift and she could have waited until after school to complete it, but keeping herself busy kept her mind off of her hunger pangs.

As she had promised herself while trying on dresses, Maura had begun eating less. Her parents didn't notice, which only added to Maura's grief. She wasn't skipping meals for attention, but she became bothered by the realization that it didn't even matter to her parents whether or not she ate. Maura couldn't lie to them, but she didn't even have the need to because they never asked. When they ate dinner together as a family, she'd help herself to a small serving and push it around her plate while her parents were talking to each other. After a few minutes passed, Maura would excuse herself from the table and say goodnight to them although it was only six or seven o'clock. They showed little concern for their daughter's new eating and sleeping habits and they went about their usual routine as if nothing had changed for Maura.

Maura had begun sleeping more partly because sleep was an escape from her self-loathing but it was mostly due to a lack of energy. Skipping meals was starting to take its toll on Maura and the once energetic teenager was now barely able to make it through the afternoon.

Her father was teaching an early class that morning, so he was able to drive Maura to school. The drive was filled with awkward silence, which Maura was surprisingly grateful for. She was feeling dizzy and she dreaded the thought of having to force conversation in her current state.

When Maura approached her locker, she was surprised to find Jane already waiting for her. _I can't see her right now. What if she hugs me and I collapse into her?_

"Jane!" Maura feigned excitement. It was excruciating to see her girlfriend so excited when all she wanted to do was get the school day over with so she could lie in her bed and fall asleep.

"Open your locker," Jane urged her. "I was going to leave, but I wanted to see your reaction."

Inside her locker was a chocolate cupcake with a heart drawn on it in red icing. The heart was crudely drawn and, under different circumstances Maura would have found it endearing, but the crudely drawn heart meant only one thing: Jane had made this cupcake and she couldn't throw it away.

"I made it myself," Jane boasted. "There's only one because this is the only one that came out good. The rest tasted awful, so I gave them to Tommy and his friends."

"Thank you," Maura smiled. "It looks delicious." And it did look delicious. Maura couldn't remember the last time she had eaten anything sweet and the longer she held the cupcake in her hands the more tempting it became. It was no longer mind over matter for Maura. Her body needed food of any kind and in her hands was a cupcake her girlfriend had made just for her.

In two bites the cupcake was finished and Maura had even gone as far as licking the frosting off of her fingers.

"Maybe I should become a baker," Jane quipped. "You downed that thing in two bites."

Maura knew her girlfriend had the best of intentions, but her comment triggered something within Maura. She had consumed that entire cupcake and she could only imagine the amount of calories it contained. She felt the weight she had lost returning to her body and she wanted to jump out of her own skin. She wanted to scream out and pound her fists on her locker. What she had consumed in two bites had outdone days of what she had worked for and Maura knew she had to resort to something drastic.

"Jane, I have to go," she said as calmly as she could.

"But I'm going to walk you to class," Jane pointed out. "Maur, it's our one month anniversary and I want to be with you."

"I'm just going to use the restroom," Maura smiled. "You're already the perfect girlfriend. There's no need to risk being late to class because of me. I'll see you at lunch."

Jane pulled her in for a quick kiss when she was certain that there were no teachers or administrators nearby. "See ya."

Maura wanted the kiss to end so she could leave and the moment Jane let her go she ran to the bathroom and slammed the stall door behind her. Her first attempt at making herself vomit was painful and it only resulted in a dry heave, but she knew she couldn't give up. She inserted her finger even farther down her throat and kept it there until she successfully induced vomiting.

She had expected herself to feel relieved, but she felt more than relieved, she felt as if she was in control. Maura leaned against the side of the stall and cried not because she was sad but because for the first time in as long as she could remember she actually felt beautiful.

"You okay?" Maura heard someone ask as she was washing her hands. She turned around to see Dana, one of the guests at the sleepover, smiling at her.

"I've never felt better," Maura smiled in return.

Dana put her hand on Maura's shoulder. "Use a toothbrush. It's easier that way."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Maura, we're all going to the mall after school. You wanna come with?"

It was a meaningless gesture for Dana, but it meant so much to Maura and it was the kindest Dana had ever been to her. Images from the sleepover flashed before her eyes, but Dana knew her secret and all Maura wanted at that moment was to be around people who accepted what she was doing.

"I'd love to," Maura responded. She wasn't sure if she'd have the energy, but she was willing to risk it for just a taste of normalcy.


	5. The Trinity

Maura had a five o'clock curfew on school nights, which left little to no time for an after school anniversary date with Jane, but just enough time for a quick trip to the mall. There was nothing in particular that Maura had to purchase and the same went for the girls she was with, but Maura soon learned that the mall was a popular hangout spot for her peers and not just somewhere to purchase clothing and shoes. Everywhere she looked there were classmates of hers and they were actually smiling at her now that they had seen her with Dana and Jenny.

She had been under the impression that other girls were going to join them, but last minute plans with their boyfriends were their reason for taking a rain check.

"Always put your boyfriend first," Jenny told Maura. "Or, in your case, put your girlfriend first. You're dating Jane. Be beautiful for her. Be perfect for her. She could elevate your social standing."

"Jane Rizzoli?" Dana asked. "She doesn't have that high of a social standing. She gets seen because she hangs out with our boyfriends."

"She'd get seen more if she went to parties," Jenny pointed out. "She gets invited, but she never goes. Maura, if Jane gets invited you get invited by default, so next time she's invited to a party we'll tell you and you can convince her to go."

Maura had heard about their parties and she knew there was a reason why Jane wouldn't attend. She liked the guys her girlfriend hung out with, but Jane had warned her that they were completely different when alcohol was involved, so different that she'd rather avoid the situation entirely.

"I think there's going to be a party after Homecoming!" Dana said excitedly. They were leaning against the railing on the second floor of the mall and her sudden outburst had turned the heads of a few passers by.

"I'll be spending time with Jane, so I won't be attending," Maura boasted. The mere sound of her girlfriend's name made her smile and she wished, more than anything, that Jane could be there with her.

While Dana was talking, Maura noticed Jenny flip through a magazine that she had just purchased. It was the moment Maura had dreaded. Flipping through magazines meant they were eventually going to talk about celebrities they thought were pretty. Maura took an interest in fashion but she paid little attention to fashion magazines. She purchased clothes because she liked them and they flattered her, not because actresses and models wore something similar.

"Do you think I should move to New York and be a model?" Jenny asked as she continued to turn the pages. "I'm so much prettier than these girls and it's time for the next big thing."

"Big is right," Dana commented as she pinched Jenny's abdomen. "I can pinch an inch. I don't think models have this."

Maura noticed Jenny's shift in demeanor. She quickly closed the magazine and shoved it into her shopping bag. _Was this typical conversation between the two of them, _Maura wasn't sure, but she was too afraid to address the issue. "I saw a picture of them eating," Jenny brought to their attention. "Do you think they throw up after meals?"

"I don't know," Dana shrugged. She then grabbed Maura and held her close. It was an awkward position for her and Maura feared what she was going to say next. "Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but I know who does."

"Is it Maura?" Jenny asked.

"It's Maura."

Jenny put her hands over her mouth to hide her excited shrieking, but it wasn't enough. Before Maura could fully understand what was happening, Jenny had joined in on their hug. "Maura, I'm so happy for you. You're like one of us now. We're a thing. We're a trio."

"No, even better," Dana smiled. "We're a trinity."

"A trinity," Jenny repeated. "I like that. Wait, no. We're _the _Trinity. We're better than the best."

Maura freed herself from the group hug. She had wanted to be around people who understood what she was going through, but the thought of celebrating this baffled her.

Jenny pulled the magazine out of her shopping bag and handed it to Maura. "This is my gift to you. You're new to all this, but if you ever feel weak just look at this. It's inspirational."

"It's a fashion magazine," Maura pointed out. "How is that inspirational?"

"It's the September issue," Jenny informed her. "The September issue. Only the best of the best, the prettiest models, make it into the September issue. If ever you feel the desire to eat something, just look at the girls in this magazine and think of how beautiful they are and how you can be beautiful too. Just think of that, Maura. If that doesn't work, eat in front of a mirror and you'll see how disgusting you look when you eat."

"That always works for me," Dana added. "If not, just throw it up after, but do that sparingly. You don't want your teeth to rot, do you?"

Maura just shook her head in response and wondered what she had gotten herself into.

As promised, the girls dropped her off at home by five. After a quick hello to her parents, Maura ran upstairs to her room and decided it was time to redecorate. She scanned the magazine for pictures of the most beautiful and thinnest models and taped them to the walls of her bedroom. There were some she'd use in her school notebooks and some she'd tape inside her locker. Maura wanted inspiration everywhere she went and if she felt weak, all she'd have to do was look at these pictures.

But Maura was already feeling weak—emotionally and physically. Six o'clock had approached and her parents hadn't called her downstairs for dinner, so Maura changed into her pajamas and cried herself to sleep.


	6. Celery And Gum

**A/N: I know some of this is painful, but Maura has a long journey ahead of her. Thank you for sticking with me. :)**

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The Trinity had taken over Maura's social life, planning a full calendar for her that, just a couple of weeks ago, she couldn't even have fathomed. There were going to be parties, sleepovers, trips to the mall, and other outings that Maura had no desire to attend, but Jenny and Dana knew her secret and she feared the outcome of going against them. _Would they tell Jane? Would they tell my parents? _The questions replayed in Maura's mind as she sifted through her locker for a pack of gum.

Sugarless gum was a favorite amongst The Trinity and all three girls made sure to keep a pack in their locker at all times. Neither girl particularly enjoyed the taste of sugarless gum, but it served its purpose and temporarily satisfied their hunger pangs with little to no caloric intake.

While looking through her locker, Maura felt someone tap her on the shoulder. "Looking for gum?" Dana asked.

"Always." Maura eagerly unwrapped the gum and put it in her mouth, savoring the taste and the texture, not because of the gum per se but because she wanted a quick relief for the pain that was wracking her body. Almost two weeks had passed since Maura had eaten a full meal and she wasn't sure how much her body could take. She had set daily goals for herself and, if she succumbed to her hunger pangs and had a snack, she'd force herself to throw up within minutes. The induced vomiting was making her throat raw and her lack of energy made it difficult to sit through class, but Maura knew her effort wouldn't be in vain because she would soon be beautiful.

"What are you having for lunch?" Jenny asked. Maura wondered if it was a trick question. Was she supposed to say she wasn't having anything? Was she supposed to have a full meal because it was what Jane would want and they were supposed to put their significant others first?

"Celery," Maura responded after careful deliberation.

"Celery?" Dana asked. "Why celery? That's so gross."

"Celery is filling and it's mostly water so there's no caloric intake," Maura said matter-of-factly. "Also, chewing burns calories so if I eat celery for lunch I'll be burning more calories than I consume."

Jenny was wide-eyed. "No way! No freaking way! Maura, you're a genius. You've changed everything. Dana, we can just have celery for lunch and pass it off to our boyfriends and our parents as having real food. We don't need any calories at all."

"I'm bringing celery for lunch on Monday," Dana said as she hugged Maura. "You're the best."

"Yeah, she is." Maura heard an all-too-familiar voice say. She looked up to see her girlfriend smiling at her, completely unaware of what Maura and her friends had planned. "And what's this about celery? Who even eats that?"

"I need to," Dana responded. "I'm not drinking much water or eating that many vegetables and Maura just told me that eating celery is like having water and vegetables."

She had lied to Jane with so much ease and Maura looked at her in awe. She wanted the ability to lie; everything would be easier if she could lie. She could go on like this for weeks and maybe even months if only she could lie to Jane.

"See you at our usual table?" Jenny asked when the bell signaling the start of the lunch period rang.

"Not today," Jane responded for her. "I kinda want Maura to myself."

"Oh, I get it," Jenny winked. "You girls have fun."

"As much as we can have in forty minutes while sitting in a supervised cafeteria," Jane smiled. Maura detected a hint of sarcasm, but it went undetected by Maura's new friends who just smiled and hugged Maura before leaving. "Who are all these models?" Jane asked once they were alone. Maura was aware that Jane had the combination to her locker, but she was never meant to see the pictures she displayed.

_I should have just closed my locker. _"Oh, they're from the September issue. They're beautiful, aren't they?"

"Yeah, I guess," Jane shrugged. "Which one do you have a crush on?" She carefully scanned the pictures to see if there was one particular model displayed more than the others. "I bet it's her. She has beautiful eyes." Jane paused to strike a pose like one of the models. She meant it to be silly, but her girlfriend wasn't laughing. "My aunt and one of my friend's moms are always telling me to be a model. They tell me, 'Jane, you're so tall. Jane, you're so thin. Jane, you have nice cheekbones and a nice smile.' Can you imagine? Me, Jane Rizzoli, dressing up like this and posing for pictures hour after hour, day after day? I don't even understand how people can be into this stuff."

"Jane, you don't get it."

"Not at all," Jane smiled. "And I'm happy I don't get the whole fashion thing. All it does is make girls feel bad about how they look and how they dress. Not that you have to feel bad. I've always thought you were perfect, but our lunch period is wasting and it's pizza day. There's a gigantic greasy slice of pizza just waiting for me in the cafeteria and I must heed its call."

Maura scoffed. "You still don't get it, do you?"

Jane reached out for her hand, but Maura refused to have any physical contact with her. "You're right," Jane looked in her in the eyes. "I don't get it, but you get it, and if it's important to you then maybe you can help me understand what you like or maybe I can start looking through this stuff on my own. You went to my games last year even though you don't like basketball. I'll look through these magazines even though I don't like fashion."

"Why?" Maura asked. "So you can see a bunch of girls who look like you? It's not fair, Jane. How can someone like _you _look like _that_? You don't even care and you don't even put any effort into your appearance. You just wake up every morning tall and beautiful and thin. I can't look at you anymore. It just hurts me to look at you."

Jane noticed the tears in her girlfriend's eyes and she wanted to give Maura her space but, when the sobbing began, Jane could no longer keep any distance between them. She attempted to wrap her arms around Maura, but her girlfriend pushed her away. "Maura, I want to know what's going on. I want to help you."

"Then help me by staying away from me," Maura sobbed. "Don't call me. Don't chase after me right now and don't pick me up for our anniversary date tomorrow. We're not doing anything together, Jane. We're finished."

Maura walked a few feet away before she realized what had just happened between her and Jane and she turned around to see Jane leaning against the lockers. She wanted to catch her eye, she wanted to run to her, but Jane was just looking down at her shoes and trying her hardest not to cry. One of the guys approached her and Maura was able to lock eyes with Jane for a brief moment before she heard the inane chatter common amongst Jane's friends.

_Jane will be okay. She has her friends and I have mine. _

Life was now going to be different for Maura. She had The Trinity and she was going to embrace her new friends and everything they had planned for her because, unlike Jane, they understood her and what she needed to do.


	7. Scared And Alone

**A/N: This is going to be getting a little darker, but I'm grateful for those of you who are sticking with this story. **

* * *

Jane and Maura had been broken up for a total of six hours and Maura had yet to hear from her. She had told Jane not to call and not to chase after her, but she held onto the tiniest bit of hope that Jane would call. Hour after hour passed with Maura shut in her room waiting for the phone to ring. For her fourteenth birthday, her parents had gotten her a private phone line so she could feel free to be on the phone as long as she wanted. The freedom to talk on the phone for as long as she wanted was a dream come true for many girls at her school, but for Maura it seemed like a waste until she began dating Jane.

She'd stay on the phone with Jane for hours or at least until Mrs. Rizzoli forced Jane to hang up so she could make a phone call. They never talked about anything important during these conversations, but all Maura wanted was to hear Jane's voice and the adoring words she spoke to her.

Maura felt as if she was about to cry until the sound of her phone ringing perked her up. _What if it's Jane? _She sprung from her bed and over to her desk, nearly falling in the process.

"Hello?" She said excitedly. "Jane?"

"It's Jenny."

Maura tried to hide her disappointment. "Oh. Hi, Jenny."

"I heard about you and Jane."

To calm herself, Maura curled the phone cord around her finger. "How did you hear about what happened with Jane? I didn't tell anybody."

"You didn't have to," Jenny pointed out. "Word travels fast, but don't worry. This doesn't go against putting your girlfriend first."

"How?" Maura asked. "I broke up with her. I was doing this for her and I broke up with her."

"It's different for you, you know? Dana and I don't have to compete with our boyfriends. Guys are built differently," Jenny paused to regain her thoughts. "And Jane, you know? She's like, I don't know, perfect. Yeah, she could use some makeup and different clothes, but have you seen her naked? Oh my freaking goodness, she's perfect."

At that moment, Maura was grateful this conversation was taking place via phone and not in person because, while on the phone, she could hide how much she was blushing. "No, I haven't seen her naked. We were only a couple for a month."

"And you still didn't…? Maura, what's wrong with you?" Jenny laughed.

"Jane and I weren't ready," Maura muttered. "And how did you see my girlfriend naked?"

"Your ex-girlfriend, gorgeous," Jenny corrected her. "I didn't switch teams if that's what you're getting at. I showered next to her in P.E. and I got to see how perfect she is and, as much as I love her, I still hate her. She could be doing something with her body, but she doesn't."

"She plays basketball," Maura pointed out. "That's something. Jane is very athletic."

"Screw basketball," Jenny scoffed. "She's wasting her body. She could be modeling or acting or doing something that involves her looks, but she doesn't, Maura. She doesn't. She's letting it go to waste and here we are practically dying for what she has and she doesn't care. I hate Jane. I hate all girls that look like Jane. I hate the models in the magazines that we look at. I hate them and I hate everything."

The words 'practically dying' were what stood out for Maura. Her body was weak and in pain, but surely this wasn't killing her. _Are we practically dying? _The more she thought about what she was feeling, the more she wanted to confide in her parents or an adult. Maura was scared and, worse, she was alone.

"Do you want to come over?" she asked Jenny in hopes that she'd say yes. Maura was used to being alone, but for the first time she longed for companionship.

"Oh, Maura," Jenny giggled. "There's a football game tonight and my boyfriend is playing. You can come if you'd like. Dana is cheering so she won't be with us during the game. After that, we can have a sleepover or something. It'll be a Trinity event."

_A Trinity event? Why does everything have to be an event? _Maura wanted someone to talk to, not another social event to attend. She was too weak to go to the game and she had no desire to spend the night anywhere but in her own bed. "I don't want to go to the football game."

"But why?" Jenny asked in a whining tone of voice.

"I just—"

"Oh, I'm such an idiot," Jenny interrupted. "What if Jane's there? I don't think you're ready to see Jane. Are you ready to see Jane? No, you're probably not. Poor, Maura, you probably need a day to heal. We can have a sleepover tomorrow night because that's what would have been your date with Jane and you're going to need something to take your mind off of Jane. So, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"I'll see you tomorrow," Maura responded.

She wasn't exactly looking forward to their sleepover, but it would serve as an overnight distraction on the night she should have been with Jane. Once she hung up the phone, her mind shifted toward thoughts about Jane and what their date would have been like. The details didn't matter to Maura so long as she was able to kiss her. She missed the feeling of Jane's lips against hers and the sweet nothings she'd whisper in her ear. Jane told her she was beautiful, but Maura knew it was a lie. _Why did she even ask me to be her girlfriend? Was it all a joke? Does she pity me?_

She stripped down to her underwear in front of the mirror and her eyes immediately focused on everything she considered to be flawed about her body. She had dropped ten pounds in a span of two weeks, but it wasn't enough for her. _You're still fat. You're letting yourself eat too much. _

She had consumed nothing but celery and gum that day, but it was still too much for her. She had tried to induce vomiting after school, but there was nothing in her system for her to throw up. _You're a failure, Maura, but you don't have to be. _

Maura grabbed the Polaroid camera her parents had bought her for her birthday. Her intentions were to use that camera to take pictures with Jane on their date, but that camera now had a new purpose. While still clad in nothing more than her underwear, Maura took pictures of every part of her body that she considered a flaw.

_These are the 'before' pictures_, she thought while gluing them to the pages of her journal.

_September 26, 1992_

_This is what I look like right now and I will never be this fat again. I don't have to be beautiful for Jane anymore, but I can be beautiful for myself. I just need to stay strong._

With nobody to confide in but her journal, Maura wrote page after page about how much pain she was feeling and the beautiful girl she wanted to someday become. She wrote about models and their thigh gaps and protruding collarbones. She wrote about her breakup with Jane and how, even though she missed her, she couldn't stand to be around someone who ate whatever she wanted and stayed so thin, but the more she wrote about Jane the more she longed for her.

Maura was scared and alone and she wanted Jane to comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay even if it wasn't.


	8. Comfort And Warmth

Maura was startled awake by the sound of the doorbell ringing. She looked at the clock on her nightstand and realized it was after ten. Exactly when she had fallen asleep, she wasn't sure. She was still in her underwear and her last memory was of writing in her journal. It was unlike her to sleep on the floor, so she wondered if she had blacked out rather than fallen asleep.

She didn't hear any noises in the house save for the doorbell, so she knew her parents weren't home and it'd be up to her to see who was at the door. _It can't be my parents. Maybe it's Dana and Jenny?_

It was late and she was home alone, so Maura became frightened when the person wouldn't stop ringing the doorbell. She hurriedly put on a pair of pajama pants and one of Jane's sweatshirts before making her way downstairs. The sweatshirt smelled like Jane and more than ever she wished Jane were with her or at the very least on the phone with her.

"Maura!" she heard Jane shout from outside. "I know you're home. I just want to talk to you."

_Jane! _Knowing it was her put Maura at ease. _I'm not going to be alone. My Jane is here for me._

Before either girl could explain their intentions, Maura led Jane up to her bedroom and shut the door behind them. She wanted to keep Jane in her room as long as she could because Jane was comfort and warmth and everything Maura needed in that moment.

Jane had been inside her room only once before, but it was long enough for her to compare and contrast what Maura's room used to look like and what it looked like that night. Everything was out of its usual order from the clothes scattered on the floor to the pieces of notebook paper on her desk. They were covered with writing—Jane could see that—but she couldn't quite make out what they said and she wasn't given a chance before Maura noticed and shoved them inside one of the desk drawers.

"I wanted to call," Jane said to break the silence. She had taken a seat on Maura's bed and she noticed Maura wouldn't stop leaning against the desk. "I remembered that you didn't want me to call, so I didn't. I just wanted to see you and I kept driving around your block until I got the nerve to come to the door." Jane motioned for Maura to sit next to her on the bed, but Maura wouldn't budge. "Maura, I know something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but you're not yourself."

"You've known me for a month," Maura pointed out. "That's not a long enough time to know if I'm not being myself."

"It isn't," Jane agreed. "But I've looked at you nearly every single day for a year and I know that your looks are changing. I don't know what you're doing, but whatever it is you need to stop."

"Are you saying I'm ugly?" Maura snapped at her.

"I'd never say that or even think that," Jane responded. "It's just that your skin is losing color and—"

"We can't all have a perfect olive skin tone like you," Maura interrupted. "We can't all be you."

"Good," Jane smiled. "I'd hate for everyone to look like me. I'm not attracted to me or girls who look like me. I'm attracted to you and I don't mean you and girls who look like you. I mean just you. I've thought you were beautiful since the moment I first laid eyes on you and when I kissed you for the first time I felt so complete and I've felt that way ever since."

Jane looked at her girl still leaning against the desk. They were no longer a couple, but Jane just couldn't turn her back on her. She knew Maura wouldn't come out and say it, but she needed her—they needed each other.

She watched as Maura's disposition changed. In a matter of seconds, Maura had gone from standoffish to scared and Jane had to resist the urge to lift her up and carry her to her bed. She knew the worst thing she could do was force affection onto Maura. Maura had to come to her and she was willing to wait until Maura was ready.

They looked at each other for what felt like an eternity before Maura began to cry. Why she was crying, she wouldn't say, but Jane was relieved when she made her way to the bed. "Hold me?"

"For as long as you need me to."

"Can you spend the night?" Maura asked. She knew she shouldn't, but Jane couldn't resist the pleading look in Maura's eyes. It was a simple request—Maura just didn't want to be alone.

"Yeah," Jane said as she stroked her hair. "Will your parents be okay with it?"

"They don't know what your car looks like," Maura pointed out. "They'll probably just think Dana or Jenny is here. Besides, they won't even check on me when they get home."

It was the complete opposite of what Jane was used to from her parents. _How could someone neglect Maura, _she thought. It was in that moment she vowed to never do the same. "Can you promise me something?"

"Maybe," Maura smiled.

Jane wiped Maura's tears and held her face in her hands. The feeling of Jane wiping her tears made her smile which made Jane smile in return. _This is my girl. This is the Maura I'm used to seeing. She doesn't know how beautiful she is when she smiles. _"I know you might not want to confide in me, but promise me that if you ever need someone you'll know that I'm on your side as your girlfriend, as your friend, as whatever you want me to be."

"How about both?"

"I can be both," Jane smiled.

Maura fell asleep just shortly after she rested her head on the pillow, but Jane couldn't fall asleep regardless of how hard she tried. Her mind was consumed by thoughts of Maura and what she could possibly be doing to herself. _I know she's eating less_, _but to what extent. How could I help her with this? I don't even know what this is and what causes it. How did I not notice? She looks so weak and helpless. _Jane knew there must have been an insight into Maura's thoughts somewhere in her room, but she dared not check for fear of losing Maura's trust.

Just as Maura had expected, her parents didn't check on her that night. _If they aren't going to keep tabs on her then I will_, Jane thought as she watched Maura peacefully sleeping. _I just wish she could see herself the way I see her._


	9. The Morning After

Jane woke up every hour just to check on Maura, but what she didn't know was that Maura had woken up on more than one occasion to ensure that she was still there. As long as Jane was by her side, Maura felt safe and comforted. She knew Jane had risked the possibility of getting grounded by spending the night with her yet she stayed. She stayed and held her all throughout the night.

They kissed once and only once that night because neither Jane nor Maura wanted to push their limits. They were both vulnerable and their vulnerability might lead to a change in their relationship that neither of them was prepared for nor willing to discuss.

Maura had never been attracted to anyone the way she was attracted to Jane and, despite the peer pressure put on her by her friends and her desire to go beyond chaste kisses, Maura would feel herself tense up at the thought of Jane actually seeing her body. _She'll think I'm ugly. She'll see how fat I am._

"You're so beautiful." They were the first words Jane had spoken that morning and Maura was bewildered. _Is she trying to counteract what I was thinking? How did she even know? _

"I'm not," Maura said coldly.

"But you are," Jane insisted. "Would you like me to point out everything beautiful about you? I'm willing to stay here for hours because that's how long it'll take."

"You can't," Maura reminded her. "You'll get grounded."

Jane wrapped her arms around Maura. "I don't care if I get grounded. It'll be worth it if I could make you feel better."

_She's perfect and she likes me even if I'm not good enough for her. _

"Jane?" She looked into her girlfriend's eyes, trying to think of just the right words to say when she wanted to say so much to her.

"You can tell me anything."

"I know," Maura smiled. "Homecoming is in two weeks." She had more on her mind than Homecoming, but she decided to take the easy way out.

"It's good to see you smile." Jane kissed Maura's dimple in hopes that a single kiss would make her girlfriend smile even more, but it was to no avail.

Maura's thoughts shifted to her dress and what she'd look like while wearing it. She had gone back to the store to purchase the dress she had tried on with Jane, but Maura neglected to tell anyone that she had purchased a size smaller. She had yet to try on that particular size and she still couldn't get herself to slip into it as long as the size tag was staring her directly in the face. _Even if it's a size down—even if it fits—it's still not the size I want to be. I don't want that number on my body. Why did I bring up Homecoming?_

"Maura?"

She noticed Jane's eyes narrow as if she were trying to focus. "Jane, what are you looking at?"

"Your collarbone—"

"My clavicle," Maura interrupted.

"Your clavicle is—it's beautiful." She wanted to say it was protruding, but she feared Maura's reaction. Her girlfriend was down on her looks and Jane knew nothing about what she should say to her, but was saying her clavicle was beautiful the right choice of words? _If I say her protruding collarbone is beautiful, will it encourage her to lose more weight or is calling parts of her beautiful good for her self-esteem? I don't know what to do._

"You don't have to lie to me, Jane."

"I'm not," Jane insisted. "Maura, I think you're perfect."

Maura freed herself from Jane's embrace and sat on the edge of her bed, as far away from Jane as she could get. "Stop saying that! I'm not perfect! You have a distorted view of perfection if you think I'm perfect. You see those models in the pictures? They're perfect. And you look like them."

"For the last time, I don't look like them!" Jane said louder than she had hoped. "Nobody looks like them, but them. They don't even look like _each other_, Maura. They all have unique features. So do you and so do I. Yes, they're thin, but they're not skin and bones. Look at their arms and legs. You don't get that way by skipping meals. You get that way by eating right and exercising. I can't tell you not to lose weight because I know you won't listen to me, but if you're going to lose weight can you promise you'll do this the healthy way? We can exercise together. I'll even stop offering you greasy foods and we can eat healthy stuff when we go on dates."

"Jane?"

She waited for Jane to respond, but instead she held out her hand for Maura to grab a hold of. Jane had a pleading look in her eyes, but Maura just couldn't give in. Starving herself had left her weak, yet it was the most control Maura had ever had over her life and in two short weeks it had already become an addiction.

"My caloric intake is down to 300, sometimes 200," Maura confessed. "And I'm not going to stop this. I have The Trinity. I have all the support I need. Just be my girlfriend and don't try to be my hero."

The amount of calories Maura consumed took Jane by surprise. She had expected less than one thousand, but three hundred was unfathomable. Neither girl said a word after Maura's revelation, not for lack of anything to say, but for fear of saying something they'd regret. They were both trying to hold back their tears while they remained hand-in-hand on Maura's bed until it was time for Jane to leave.


	10. It's All So Trivial

**A/N: Sorry about the delay, but thank you so much to those who are still interested. :)**

* * *

Jane left Maura's house without Mr. and Mrs. Isles knowing she had spent the night. They were home, Jane was sure of it when she saw their car parked in the driveway, but they hadn't made a single attempt at checking on Maura. Maura was sixteen—old enough to stay home alone—but Jane couldn't fathom what it was like to have parents who never peeked into their child's bedroom to say goodnight or good morning or to ensure that they were safely tucked into bed.

When Jane stayed home without parental supervision, her brothers were always with her. They were sixteen, fourteen, and twelve years of age but there was still safety in numbers and, if they ever met with an intruder, the three Rizzoli siblings liked to think it would be like _Home Alone _and they'd outwit this person with traps and clever tricks. They never bothered setting up any traps and they didn't have a system per se, but Jane, Frankie, and Tommy liked to think they'd be unstoppable in the event of a break-in.

Although there were three of them at home together and the neighbors would keep an eye on the house, Mrs. Rizzoli would still call every hour or two hours to make sure that her kids were safe. Jane had thought her mother's actions were overbearing but after spending the night at Maura's house, she felt appreciative of her mother.

_Maura just needs someone who cares about her_, Jane thought as she was driving.

Jane knew there was no way she could force Maura to eat and any attempt at suggesting she should eat more would most likely backfire, so she knew her only hope for helping Maura was to try to understand what she was going through.

While doing her homework in front of the TV in the living room last school year, Jane had stumbled upon an after school special about eating disorders. The special, itself, held her attention at the time, but the topic was nothing that weighed on her mind because she couldn't fathom such an illness consuming someone she knew because Jane loved food, especially junk food, as did her brothers and her friends. Whenever they were given an opportunity, they'd go for pizza or burgers or snack on potato chips while watching TV. She and her friends had even participated in a hot wing eating contest at a local pizza place just a month prior. They received nothing for winning other than their picture on a wall, but Jane and her friends insisted that it was the glory that mattered and not the prizes.

Food was a source of enjoyment for Jane and her friends and the enemy for Maura and the girls she had recently befriended. Regardless of how hard she tried, Jane couldn't comprehend what that must feel like.

No longer able to focus on driving, Jane pulled into the parking lot of a small shopping center so she could walk around in hopes of clearing her mind, but everywhere she looked there were young couples enjoying their Saturday afternoon together. The weather was chilly for a September day, so girls were wearing sweaters and keeping their hands warm by holding onto cups of hot chocolate or holding onto their boyfriends. It was everything she had imagined having with Maura during their first autumn together and the more she looked at these couples the more overwhelmed she became.

She noticed an empty table outside a coffee shop and that table soon became her solace. Her head was resting in her hands to keep herself from looking at the seemingly happy couples walking by, but even if she couldn't see them they continued to trigger fantasies of Maura.

Jane closed her eyes and the first image that came to mind was Maura in a colorful sweater and her hair neatly braided. She had a caramel apple in her hand and held it up to Jane's mouth so she could take a bite as they walked hand-in-hand. The leaves had fallen and made crunching noises as they walked. Maura stopped to point out the caramel near Jane's mouth but after making several unsuccessful attempts at removing it, Maura decided to take matters into her own hands and kiss her until every bit of caramel had been removed.

_It's trivial. Everything is so trivial now. Maura having a caramel apple. Maura going for a walk with me. Is it selfish to want my girlfriend the way she was?_

"Jane?" she heard an all-too-familiar voice ask. When she looked up, she saw Dana, the infamous Dana. Her brown hair was tied neatly into a sideways ponytail and her cheeks were a rosy shade that made her look so wholesome and sweet. _Sickeningly sweet_. "Jane, are you okay?"

"What are you drinking?" Jane asked as she motioned with her eyes to the cup in Dana's hand.

"Oh, it's hot chocolate," Dana responded cheerfully. "I know this is a coffee place, but they make the best hot chocolate."

"Fat free hot chocolate?"

"No, it's whole milk," Dana informed her. "Whole milk with marshmallows and chocolate syrup. Why?"

"Because you look beautiful and you're drinking hot chocolate and you seem healthy while my girlfriend is starving herself," Jane said as she stood up.

"I never told Maura to—"

"Cut the crap," Jane interrupted. "I know about all this Trinity bullshit and everything you tell Maura. Do you actually starve yourself or is this like some sick way of bullying them? You took so much from Maura. You took everything she was and destroyed it. You're here walking around leisurely with your drink in hand while my girlfriend is crying in her bedroom because her body is weak and in pain."

"I had _one_ hot chocolate, okay?" Dana yelled at her without caring who might be listening to them. "I broke down and ordered a hot chocolate because I thought it might make me feel normal again. Besides, my mom is waiting for me at the craft store down the street and she'd be suspicious if I turned down hot chocolate."

"I don't believe you," Jane scoffed. "You're treating this like some kind of fad. You think anorexia is something you can switch on and off whenever it's convenient. It's all so easy for you, but it's destroyed Maura."

"I'm seeing Maura tonight. We're having a Trinity sleepover and I'll apologize to her then."

Jane took a step closer to her. "This is something serious. I wouldn't wish what Maura is going through on anyone—even you, Dana. There's not going to be a sleepover and there's not going to be a Trinity. Stay the hell away from my girlfriend."

Jane was due home in an hour and her parents still assumed she was with a friend, but she had no intentions of going home just yet. She had to see Maura again and she had to see her before Dana had an opportunity to call her or see her for herself.


	11. Getting Mauranapped

When Jane pulled into the driveway of her girlfriend's house, she was surprised to see Maura sitting outside. She wasn't reading or listening to music. Instead, Maura was sitting on the porch steps with her head in her hands and staring at the ground until she heard the sound of Jane's car.

"Jane!"

Maura immediately perked up, which made Jane start to smile. Jane enjoyed seeing her girlfriend happy, but she couldn't help but wonder how short-lived her happiness was going to be once Maura found out about her encounter with Dana.

_Just be honest with her. _

And she had every intention of being honest with her, but her girlfriend looked genuinely happy. Moments of happiness were few and far in between for Maura and Jane had no desire to take away what little happiness her girlfriend had.

Jane momentarily debated whether she should approach Maura or if she should let Maura approach her, but before she could make a decision she noticed Maura start to run to her. _She's acting like herself again._

"Jane!"

"I had to see you again," Jane smiled.

They were leaning against her car, with Maura being held so securely in front of Jane. It wasn't the first time she had held Maura but it was the first time she held her as if Maura's life depended on it. Maura was safe as long as she was with her, or so Jane wanted to believe. Her friends and maybe even fashion magazines made her believe she was flawed, but all Jane could see was perfection whenever she looked at Maura.

_I wish I could be with her every second of the day_, Jane thought while placing a kiss on Maura's forehead. _I want to counteract every negative thought she has about herself and every negative word she hears._

"Dana called me," Maura said, breaking the silence between them.

"Oh?" Jane asked in an attempt at playing clueless. "What did she say?"

"She had a hot chocolate when she went shopping with her mom."

"And?"

Maura bit her lip. "And she saw you. She's so upset, Jane, but not with you. She's upset with herself for being weak. I tried to tell her that she isn't weak and sometimes we have to eat even if we don't want to because it's best that our parents don't find out. She called me from a pay phone because she knew you were going to come over here and she wanted to talk to me before you did. We're not having a sleepover after all, but I understand why."

"And you're not upset with me?"

"We're holding onto each other in my driveway," Maura reminded her. "I ran over to you. Does it seem like I'm upset with you?"

The breeze blew one of Jane's curls over her face, which Maura promptly tried to move, but for every attempt she made the curls would return to their spot over Jane's left eye.

"It's like a pig's tail," Jane said as she played with her curls. She'd pull a few strands until they were straight and then let them spring back, making her girlfriend giggle each time.

"Jane?"

She noticed her girlfriend's giggling had ceased. Jane had wanted to do something to make her smile, but she decided it was best to be serious. Instead of trying to make her smile, Jane held Maura as close as she could. "What did you want to say?"

"Nothing," Maura shook her head.

Jane wiped the tears that were streaming down Maura's cheeks. "I know you have something to say. You can tell me anything when you're ready."

"Dana's parents care about her. Why don't mine care about me?"

"They care about you, Maur," Jane said although she had put their parental abilities into question earlier.

"I haven't eaten with them at the dinner table in two weeks. Sometimes I'll sit there and push my food around my plate and other times I won't be there at all and they either haven't noticed or they don't care," Maura pointed out. "Dana's mom notices. Jenny's mom notices. Why doesn't mine?"

"Maur—"

"I'm not doing this for attention," Maura interrupted. "Please don't think I'm doing this for attention."

Jane felt as if something inside her had been triggered. "I know you're not," she sobbed. "You don't do anything for attention. You're not that kind of girl. Just tell me why you're doing this. Tell me why you're killing yourself."

"Jane, you're—"

"I can't help it."

"I'm not killing myself," Maura insisted. "I'm just going to meet my weight goal and I'll stop."

"No, you won't," Jane argued. "This is more than just your weight, Maura. This is consuming you. Once you reach that weight, it won't be enough or you'll think you have another flaw and this is going to keep going until you either get help or—or—"

"Jane, stop," Maura interrupted. "_Stop!_"

"Let me help you," Jane pleaded. "I don't expect you to get better overnight, but I'll be with you every step of the way. Maybe your mom and dad aren't aware of this, but I am and I care about you so much, Maura. You're the only person in this whole world that I like every single moment of every single day."

"I'm not the only person," Maura smiled. "What about your family?"

"I love them all the time, but I don't always like them," Jane teased. "And my brothers, well, sometimes I just tolerate them, but you're different. I _always _like you_._" Jane reluctantly freed herself from Maura's embrace. "I have something to give you. Wait right here." She opened the car door and grabbed a stuffed tortoise from the backseat. "There's someone who wants to meet you."

"Jane!" Maura squealed. "You bought me a stuffed tortoise." Instead of hugging Jane, Maura smiled as she hugged the tortoise. "I love you already."

"You—" Jane paused when she realized Maura was talking to the tortoise instead of her. "I'm glad you love him. I meant to give him to you last night. I didn't buy him, though. Can you believe I made him during our sewing unit in Home Ec.? I was going to buy a pattern to make a plush basketball in our school colors like one of the other girls from my team, but once I saw this tortoise was an option I changed my mind because I know how much you love tortoises."

"Thank you." Maura placed a kiss on her girlfriend's cheek. "You need to go home before you get grounded."

Jane playfully lifted her up and, before Maura could protest, she carried her over to the passenger seat. "I'm going to Maura-nap you."

"Maura-nap?"

"Yeah," Jane said as she finally let her girlfriend's feet touch the ground. "It's like kidnapping, but instead you take someone named Maura."

"Let me tell my parents before we leave."

"No," Jane insisted. "That would defeat the purpose of Maura-napping. We'll call them when we get to my house."

Without further hesitation, Maura sat down in the passenger seat and buckled her seatbelt. Her stuffed tortoise was sitting safely on her lap and she was eager to spend the rest of the day with Jane.

Jane knew nothing had been solved and Maura was nowhere closer to recovery than she had been earlier, but she was grateful to be a distraction for Maura even if it was only for a few hours.


	12. Poison

Maura had once looked forward to meeting her girlfriend's parents, but now that she was approaching the front door of Jane's house she was having second thoughts about being Maura-napped.

"Everything is going to be fine," Jane said as she squeezed Maura's hand. "Pop is working right now, but Ma is home. I know she's home because I have her car. She's been wanting to meet you and—"

"You're just as nervous as I am."

"I've never done this before. You're my first girlfriend, Maura."

Jane had the house key in her hand, but before she opened the door she surprised Maura with a kiss. It was supposed to be a quick peck on the lips, but Maura refused to let her go. One kiss led to another until Maura began to nibble on Jane's bottom lip. It was the farthest she had ever gone with Jane and she began to wonder what had come over her. Her body was weak and all she wanted was to get the meeting with Jane's mom over with so she could be alone with Jane. She wasn't ready for sex and she knew Jane wasn't either, but that wasn't the type of intimacy Maura wanted. Her girlfriend was her source of comfort and all she wanted was to be held and kissed by her.

"Gross!" they heard Jane's twelve-year-old brother Tommy say. He had opened the door to find the two of them kissing and, although he thought Maura was attractive, the sight of his sister making out with someone was enough to make him turn away. "I could hear you sucking each other's faces off from inside the living room."

"You're just jealous," Jane told him. Without giving Tommy a chance to respond, she pushed right past him. "Where's Ma?"

"She's next door having coffee or gossiping or something and Frankie is working on a science project at his friend's house, so it's just me and Andrew playing Street Fighter."

"No adult supervision?" Jane asked. "Nice."

"For me," Tommy bragged. "You're not going to be without adult supervision for a very long time. Ma knows you didn't spend the night at Troy's. Or Brian's. Or Tony's. Before she left she said you were grounded until you're thirty."

"Maur, this is my dweeby brother Tommy," Jane said, completely ignoring what her brother had just warned her about. "And that kid on the sofa is his friend Andrew. Don't pay attention to them. They're just seventh graders."

"Nice manners, babe," Andrew told her without taking his eyes off of the video game he was playing.

If not for Maura holding onto her hand, Jane would have smacked him upside the head for calling her that, but instead she turned to her only to notice that Maura had zoned out from their conversation. She had been with Maura almost the entire morning save for the hour or so she was at the shopping center, but she knew if Maura hadn't eaten when she was there she was even least likely to eat when she was alone.

_She needs something in her system._ _She hasn't eaten today and I know she only had celery yesterday. _

Jane knew any effort to get Maura to eat a full meal would be in vain, so she searched the cupboard for something small with a low calorie content. _A granola bar!_

"Try some of this," Jane suggested. She didn't want to force Maura to eat so she hoped offering the granola bar to Maura instead of telling her to eat it would be more beneficial.

They were seated at the kitchen table with Maura staring at the granola bar in front of her. "How many calories are in this?"

"Not many," Jane responded. "Just one hundred."

After hearing that the granola bar was only one hundred calories, Maura ate it in two bites. _Maybe if I buy low calorie snacks for her, she'll start eating. _Jane was making a mental list of possible snacks to give Maura at school when she noticed her girlfriend walk over to the cupboards. "Do you want another one?" Jane offered.

"Jane, what did you give me?" Maura asked as she held the box of granola bars. "You lied to me."

"About what?"

Maura had become frantic. "You lied to me! You told me these were only one hundred calories. They're two hundred. It says so on the nutrition facts. You're poisoning my body with this."

"Maura, you didn't eat yesterday," Jane pointed out. "Two hundred calories isn't going to hurt you. It'll be like you had one hundred calories today and one hundred yesterday if you split it up."

"It doesn't work like that, Jane!" Maura shouted. "You're making me fatter than I already am!"

"Maura, I'm sorry. I'm not used to checking how many calories are in the food I eat. Granola bars are healthy so I assumed—"

"You assumed?" Maura scoffed. "You assumed. You assumed because you can eat anything and now you're bragging about it!"

"I'm not bragging."

The sound of Maura yelling caught Tommy and Andrew by surprise and it wasn't long before the two of them joined Jane and Maura in the kitchen. "What's going on?" Tommy asked.

With Jane distracted, Maura quickly made her way to the bathroom. "I need to chase after her," but it was too late. Jane opened the bathroom door to find her girlfriend throwing up what little food was in her system.

"Jane, don't look at me!"

She knew Maura was upset, but the last thing Jane wanted was for Maura to face this on her own. She couldn't prevent Maura from throwing up, so the least she could do was hold her hair back for her. "I'm not leaving you."

The whole ordeal lasted less than two minutes but it felt like an eternity for Jane. It wasn't the vomiting that bothered her—she was willing to take care of Maura regardless—but she knew Maura was slowly killing herself and she had a sudden feeling that she was enabling her.

"I got some in my hair before you came in," Maura blushed. "Can I take a shower?"

"Yeah, the towels are on the shelf right there. I'll come check on you."

"You don't need to," Maura told her with a half-smile. "I'll be okay. The poison is out of my system now."

_You're not okay_, Jane thought. _You're everything but okay. _She was tired of keeping everything inside of her, but she knew she shouldn't break down in front of Maura. She had done that once before and it had proven to be counterproductive.

Jane hadn't expected her brother to be waiting outside the bathroom door, but she was grateful for the distraction. "Andrew's twin sister is like her," he said nervously. "Well, she _was _like Maura, but then she got help. She's in a treatment center now, but she's doing better."

"This is different," Jane argued.

"How is it different?" Tommy asked. "Because she's your girlfriend and you think you can solve everything? Jane, you're my favorite sister and—"

"I'm your _only _sister."

"That's why you're my favorite," Tommy pointed out. "You're so smart, Jane, and me and Frankie know you can solve all of our problems, but there are some things you can't do alone and this is one of them. Tell her parents. Tell Ma. Tell the school nurse if you have to. That's what Andrew and I did with Amber. It's all anonymous and she never found out it was us and then the nurse told her parents and now she's getting help. Maura isn't as bad as Amber was so there are ways Maura can get help without being put in the hospital, but you need to do something now, Jane."

"I don't want to tell, Ma. She'll overreact. I'm just going to tell her parents. They need to know. I'll tell them when I take her home."

_I know Maura is going to hate me, but it's better that she hates me instead of her continuing the path she's on._

Jane spent the rest of the afternoon holding Maura on her bed. She knew her girlfriend was going to be upset with her once she told her parents, so she wanted to hold onto Maura for as long as she could just in case it was the last time Maura would ever want to be held.


	13. Jane's Greatest Fear

**A/N: I'm so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to leave me a comment about the story or opened up to me about your own experiences. As someone who has been living with this for the past 14 years, I consider this to be an outlet for me so your words really do mean a lot. Thank you. I know this is a difficult subject, so thank you for sticking with Maura through all of these experiences.**

* * *

While waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Isles to answer the door, Jane debated sneaking in one last kiss, but she didn't want to run the risk of getting caught. Their relationship wasn't a secret and Maura's parents accepted her sexuality, but Jane had never met Maura's parents and she didn't want the first time they saw her to be while she was lip-locked with their daughter.

"We'd be inside already if you hadn't Maura-napped me without letting me get my house key."

Judging by her tone, Jane knew she shouldn't respond with something sarcastic nor should she try to be playful with her. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine."

Jane's instinct was to tell her that she didn't _look _fine, but during that weekend she learned not to comment on Maura's appearance. If she said anything positive, Maura would say she was lying, so she shuddered to think what Maura would say if she told her she wasn't looking well.

The more Jane glanced at her girlfriend, the more changes she noticed. Maura's clothes were fitting her baggy and dark circles were forming under her eyes. When she kissed her, she noticed her lips weren't as soft, but regardless of how chapped they were Jane was more than eager to kiss her.

"Why are you staring at me?" Maura asked. "Jane, just go home."

Maura's shift in personality was happening again and it was becoming all-too-familiar for Jane. In a matter of seconds, she could go from her adoring girlfriend to being confrontational. Jane knew the lack of nutrients in her body was affecting her mood and it wasn't Maura who was being tactless with her—it was this illness. There was so much Jane didn't know about anorexia, but she knew whatever it was had a stronghold on her girlfriend.

"I'm not going home," Jane responded.

"You lied to me. You lied to me about the granola bar and you tried to force me to eat."

"And I also held your hair while you were puking up that granola bar," Jane reminded her.

"I'm sorry," Maura averted her eyes. "I still have your anniversary gift in my room. I really want to see your reaction. I can give it to you as soon as we get inside if you still want to be around me."

"I always want to be around you." It would have been the perfect opportunity for her to kiss Maura or to playfully lift her up, but Mrs. Isles opened the door before she could do so much as hold her hand.

"Mother," Maura smiled.

"Is this the girlfriend?" Mrs. Isles asked while looking at Jane.

"Yes, this is the girlfriend," Jane responded, still unsure of what opinion to form about Mrs. Isles.

"Jane," Maura said as she looked at the ground. "Her name is Jane. You know her name is Jane. I always talk about her when I'm at the dinner table, when I'm actually at the dinner table."

"I could hear you two talking," Mrs. Isles began. "You seemed like you were having an important conversation, which is why I didn't answer the door until the time seemed right."

"When I was about to make out with her?" Maura asked. "You just wanted to interrupt me when I was going to make out with my girlfriend?"

"Maura, I—"

"I need to get Jane's present," Maura interrupted. "Excuse me."

Once Maura left them, Jane was finally invited in. She had hoped she would meet her girlfriend's mother under different circumstances but now that they were alone, Jane knew this was the best opportunity to talk to Mrs. Isles about Maura.

"She wasn't always like this," Mrs. Isles said once she was certain Maura could no longer hear her. "She's become a different person lately. I'm not blaming you, Jane, but her mood changed after she started dating you. Maybe Maura isn't ready to be in a relationship."

"You really know nothing about your daughter, do you?" Jane asked. "Go look at her room. Look at the pictures she has hanging up. Does she eat with you at the dinner table anymore? Does she eat _anything_ anymore?" Jane had planned on a more mature approach to the subject, but after Mrs. Isles's accusations, Jane couldn't help losing her temper. "Maura is the most important person in my life and I—"

Jane lost her train of thought when she heard a loud thud from the second floor. _Did Maura drop something_? _What's she doing up there? How big is this present she made? _She imagined Maura trying to carry an oversized box with her gift inside and dropping it on the floor. The image of her girlfriend trying her hardest to get this box out of her room brought a smile to Jane's face until it dawned on her that the noise she heard was most likely not the sound of a box being dropped.

"Maura!"

Jane ran up the stairs as quickly as she could with Mrs. Isles following behind her. She hoped she was overreacting regardless of how unlikely that was. _Maura is okay. She's going to be okay. She just dropped something._

Maura's bedroom door was wide open. They were both calling her name, but all they heard was silence coming from inside.

"Maura!"

Jane's worst fears had become a reality. Her girlfriend, the person she cared about most in the world, was passed out on her bedroom floor.


	14. Her Father's Realization

Before she opened her eyes, Maura sensed there was something different about her surroundings. The bed she was lying in wasn't her own and there was a distinct smell in the air as if the room she was in had been recently sterilized.

The more she took in the scents surrounding her, the more she recognized one particular scent coming from her bedside. It was her father's cologne and, if her father was sitting at her bedside, Maura knew her situation was worse than she had expected. Maura never doubted her father's love, but Mr. Isles rarely spent time alone with his daughter and if anyone were to be at her side she figured it would have been Jane or, at the very least, her mother.

"What happened?" Maura asked, her eyes now adjusting to the light. "Where's Jane?"

"She's not allowed to come in yet. Only family was allowed in here until you woke up," Mr. Isles responded. "Is Jane all you care about?"

"I care about her and she cares about me." Maura noticed a change in her father's demeanor. He wasn't upset about his daughter asking for Jane. Instead he was relieved that his sixteen-year-old was showing signs of her normal self by asking about her girlfriend.

"She's in the waiting room right now. I'll send for her in a few minutes."

"Where's Mom?"

"Don't I get any credit for being here?" Mr. Isles snickered. "She's putting an overnight bag together for you."

"Overnight bag?" Maura asked in disbelief. "Why do I have to stay here?"

For the first time since she was a little girl, Mr. Isles held Maura's hand. His gesture brought out the child in Maura and, in that moment, she was more afraid than she had ever been before. "Sweetheart, you passed out and your doctor wants to keep you overnight to run some more tests. Jane told us you weren't eating and—"

"Jane told you? She shouldn't have done that. She shouldn't have betrayed me."

"Don't blame her," Mr. Isles insisted. "She felt like your life depended on her telling us the truth. I'm your dad and you know I'm going to be selective about who you date and, well, I approve of Jane. She's a good kid and she really cares about you, so don't be too hard on her."

"I want to go home," Maura pleaded.

"Maura—"

"I want to go home!" She hadn't intended to raise her voice, but her frustration was getting the best of her. She had blacked out, but it was nothing that warranted an overnight stay at the hospital, or so she told herself. Her throat was raw from vomiting earlier and the more she raised her voice, the more pain she felt.

"Don't shout," Mr. Isles said as he lovingly squeezed his daughter's hand. "Maura, you need to eat something. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you before and I'm sorry that this is what it took for the two of us to finally have some father/daughter time, but I'm here now and your mom and I are going to help you with this. We want you to get better and so does Jane."'

"Nothing is wrong with me," Maura insisted. "I'm bettering myself and soon I'm going to be beautiful. It hurts, but everything is going to be worth it."

"You're already beautiful."

"Stop it!" Maura raised her voice again. "You're my dad. You have to say I'm beautiful. All dads have to say their daughters are beautiful. Look at me, Dad. I don't look like those girls in the magazines or on TV. I don't want to be a model or an actress. I just want to be a better version of myself—a thinner version of myself. I want to be so thin that I won't even leave a footprint when I walk in the snow. What's the point of eating, Dad? It's to stay alive. I'm alive. I'm still alive. I eat enough to live and I'm living. I don't live to eat like so many other people do and here I am; I'm stronger than them. They give in to the temptation of high-calorie foods and the pleasure they receive from it only lasts—what—twenty minutes? Twenty minutes of enjoyment isn't worth the lifetime that those calories remain with you."

Mr. Isles's heart broke with each word his daughter was saying. He thought about Maura as a child and all of the times she wanted him to play games with her. She'd walk into his office with her Candyland game in hand and wait patiently for him to play with her, but he was always too busy. There was always research to be done or an article to be written and little Maura would wait so long that she'd end up falling asleep on the couch in his office. He thought about the start of her teen years and the talks she wanted to have that he never had time for. _Could this have been prevented if I had paid more attention to her and been more of a father to her? I should have noticed the symptoms. _"Maura, I'm sorry. I'll do anything you need me to do."

"There's nothing you can do," Maura scoffed. "This isn't about you. If I say I forgive you, you'll have peace of mind. Is that why you're sitting next to me right now? For your own peace of mind?" Maura noticed that her hunger pangs were gone and the sudden realization filled her mind with the worst-case scenarios. "Did someone feed me?"

"Maura—"

"I was force fed."

"Maura, nobody fed you. You're scheduled to talk to a nutritionist in the morning, but nobody can force feed you or hook you up to a feeding tube without your mother's or my consent and, first, we wanted to give you a chance to eat on your own."

"No," Maura sobbed. "You fed me. You ruined this for me."

When his daughter ran to the bathroom, Mr. Isles hit the call button. He knew what Maura was doing, but it was too painful for him to listen to, let alone walk in on. She was sixteen-years-old, nearly an adult, but as he heard her force herself to vomit what she thought she had eaten, Mr. Isles realized his daughter was as helpless and fragile as a child.


	15. The Four Steps Of Maura's Illness

**A/N: Thank you for reading and an extra special thank you to those who have left comments. They're greatly appreciated. :)**

* * *

Constance Isles was typically a calm and collected woman, but seeing her only daughter in the hospital brought out a side of her that so few people had seen before. She never overreacted when Maura had a fever or scraped her knee as a child, but _this_—this sickness—instilled fear in her.

She would have preferred to stay at Maura's side, but someone had to pack an overnight bag for Maura and Mr. Isles made it apparent that it wasn't going to be him. "I can't go through her underwear drawer," he said, which made Constance and Jane smile for the first time since arriving at the hospital.

Weeks had passed since the last time Constance had entered her daughter's bedroom and it had drastically changed since then. It was unorganized and so unlike Maura and she felt her heart break when she saw the pictures of models taped to her walls. She wanted so desperately to think her daughter had crushes on them and that's the reason why their pictures were displayed, but she knew they weren't Maura's type. Maura liked tomboys—athletic types like Jane—not young women who modeled swimsuits and high fashion. _She's comparing herself to them_.

The pair of jeans she packed were her daughter's favorite and she decided to add a sweatshirt that belonged to Jane because Jane's sweatshirt was a comfort item for Maura and she wanted her daughter to be as comfortable as she possibly could.

Her intentions were to grab the first pair of underwear she saw in the drawer, but her mindset switched from fear to curiosity. She remembered the diary she kept during her teenage years and she wondered if Maura kept one as well. If she did, Constance was certain it would hold the answers to what her eating disorder stemmed from.

Hidden at the very bottom of Maura's underwear drawer was her journal. Maura used to have nothing to hide from her parents, so she had no use for a locked diary and, even if she did have something to hide, she doubted they'd ever try to find something in her underwear drawer, so instead she kept an unlocked journal that contained all of her innermost secrets. Constance knew she was betraying Maura's trust, but with her daughter's physical and emotional well being at stake, she figured it was worth the risk of possibly upsetting her daughter.

She smiled as she scanned over the first few pages. They were decorated with hearts and filled with reasons why Jane was the perfect girlfriend. She began to wish she had gotten to know this happier version of her daughter and, if she had, would Maura still have gone down this path? The questions she asked herself were all counterproductive and there was no way of knowing whether or not Maura would have confided in her, so she decided to continue reading instead.

There were a few more pages about Jane and then Constance noticed a break in Maura's entries. She went a week without writing and when she began writing again, her entries were almost incoherent with phrases and sentences written anywhere there was available space instead of neatly on the lines. There were pictures of her in her underwear with circles around what she labeled as 'problem areas' and the more Constance read, the more helpless she felt. A list on the next page caught her eye and she couldn't stop reading regardless of how much she wanted to close the journal and put it back where she found it.

"_What to do if I ever decide to eat: 1) Look at the food in front of me and think of how much this is poisoning my body. 2) Stand in front of a mirror while eating and pay attention to how ugly and fat I look. Still hungry? Drink some water. Water cleanses my body and fills me up. Still hungry? Eat and keep throwing up until it's out of my system. 3) Can't throw it up? Stare at the pictures of beautiful models on the wall. If I eat, I'll never be beautiful. I'm hideous compared to them. I'm hideous and I'm fat and I always will be unless I stay strong."_ She was crying after the third step, but reading the fourth step put her over the edge. "_I've created a step four, but I haven't progressed to that level because I've never been that weak. 4) Associate food with physical pain. If nothing else works, I'll wear a rubber band around my wrist and snap it against my skin. If that's not painful enough, I'll rub an eraser across my skin as hard as I can until the skin is raw and burning and starts to peel off. It's extreme, but it should work. I've run this by the other girls in The Trinity and we've decided to abide by this code._ _I'm not going to be ugly for much longer._"

Her daughter wasn't alone in this, but instead of sending a positive message to each other, they encouraged each other to starve themselves and go to extreme measures to do so. She didn't know who these girls were, but she was determined to find out and if Maura didn't tell her she'd ask Jane to fill in the blanks. She may not have been there for Maura from the beginning, but she was going to do whatever she could to make this right and get her daughter all of the help she needed.

Constance was about to leave the house when she heard the phone ring. She wanted to ignore the call and hurry back to the hospital, but she was worried about missing a call from her husband or Jane asking her to bring something in particular that Maura was asking for.

She answered the phone to hear a frantic Jane on the line. "Maura, woke up," Jane began. "And she thought she was force fed so she went to the bathroom and…and…"

Constance tried to remain calm, "Jane, you can tell me."

"Mr. Isles told me that right before the nurse got there, Maura started throwing up blood. He's in the room with her again and I don't know what to do. I have her stuffed tortoise. She needs her tortoise and she needs me to hold her. My Maura is throwing up blood and I don't know what's happening to her."

"Jane, I'll be right there and then we'll talk to the staff about letting you see her." She wasn't exactly sure if Jane would be able to see Maura, but the possibility of it was enough to calm Jane at least momentarily. She wanted to fall apart and nobody would have blamed her for doing so, but instead she held herself together in hopes of soon being able to see her little girl.


	16. I Don't Want To Die

Thirty minutes before visiting hours ended, Jane was finally allowed to see Maura. Although she wasn't eating, her condition had slightly improved. Mr. and Mrs. Isles were given the option of having Maura fed through a feeding tube, but they wanted to hold off out of faith that their daughter would finally eat on her own. She refused to eat when they were with her, so their only hope was Jane.

"If anyone asks, I'm your sister," were the first words Jane spoke when she entered Maura's room. "I know you can't lie, but they'd only let me see you because your parents lied and said we were sisters. I know the nurse didn't believe them, but we were willing to try anything just so I could see you and they saw how much I was crying so they just decided to let me in anyway. You don't have to talk. I know it might hurt to talk, so I brought a notepad and pen for you to use or we could communicate in blinks. One blink for 'no' and two blinks for 'yes.'"

Maura motioned for Jane lie on the bed with her. She didn't know when she'd be able to see Jane again, so she wanted to make the most of their time together. Maura smiled when Jane gave her the stuffed tortoise and seeing Maura cuddle it so close to her made Jane's heart skip a beat. She was reminded of the first time Maura saw the tortoise just hours ago and how much had changed in such a short period of time.

Jane wrapped her arms around Maura and the stuffed tortoise and held her tighter than ever before. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

Maura blinked once for 'no.' "I can talk," she struggled to say.

"It's okay," Jane reassured her. "We can write everything down and it'll be like passing notes in class."

The idea of passing notes to Jane in class made Maura cheer up. It was a taste of normalcy amongst all the chaos she was experiencing. "_Thank you for bringing my tortoise._"

"He missed you," Jane spoke before realizing they were going to have their entire conversation via notes. "_We both missed you._ _I was so scared."_ They both had puffy eyes and red noses from crying and Jane hoped their appearance could bring some levity to the situation. "_Maur, we both look like Rudolph._"

Maura attempted a half smile just to humor Jane, but her girlfriend could see right through her façade. Her cheery disposition had lasted no more than five minutes and, although it wasn't long, she hoped it was long enough for Jane to know how much she appreciated her and her efforts. "_I'm scared._"

"Of what?" Jane asked, forgetting to write her response yet again.

Between the strain she had put on her throat from vomiting and the sobbing she had begun, Maura struggled to get her words out properly. "I—I—" She picked up the notepad and quickly scribbled down the words. "_I don't want to die._" Written in front of her on that piece of paper were the most sincere and heartbreaking words Jane had ever read. She knew Maura didn't want to die and suicide was never her intention, but the longer this illness had a hold on her the more of a possibility death became. "_Jane, make it stop._ _I don't want this anymore._"

Her girlfriend was pleading for her life and the severity of her situation left Jane at a loss for words. Everyone had paid attention to the clinical aspect of what was happening to Maura, so Jane wanted to be the first to pay attention to the toll that this was taking on Maura, emotionally. There had been a small tear in her esophagus from the induced vomiting—nothing too severe—but it was enough to make Maura think about the possibility of dying at such a young age.

Eating disorders had been romanticized for Maura. It started out with a few skipped meals and calorie-counting, but nobody had told her about how this strict dieting would turn into an illness that wouldn't let go of her. She wasn't warned about the lack of energy she'd have, or the blackouts, and she especially wasn't warned about the possibility of vomiting blood. She was presented with images of beautiful girls—beautiful, _happy _girls. Whether they had eating disorders or not, Maura wasn't sure, but what she was certain of was that she wanted to be like them, but the more she starved herself the less she actually looked like them. She rarely smiled and her skin had become pale and easily bruised, but Maura could cope with those changes as long as a nearly emaciated girl was staring back at her in the mirror. What she couldn't handle were the changes happening to her internally: the skipped period, vomiting blood. That was the final straw for Maura.

"_I love you and I'm not going to let anything happen to you,_" were the words Jane jotted down on the notepad.

"You love me?" Maura managed to ask.

"I love you," Jane repeated. It wasn't how she imagined herself telling Maura for the first time that she loved her, but Jane knew it was the moment Maura needed to hear it the most.

"Jane, I—" She stopped when Jane handed the notepad to her. "_I need to love myself before I can fully love someone else._" She knew it wasn't the answer Jane was hoping for, but Jane had been so good to her and Maura knew she deserved to know how she really felt instead of her just saying the words 'I love you' as if it was a reflex.

Jane noticed the look of fear on her girlfriend's face as if she were waiting for Jane to break up with her or at the very least leave the room. "Maur, I'm not going anywhere. Well, I am when visiting hours are over, but I'm not breaking up with you because of this." She was hesitant to kiss Maura's lips for fear of upsetting her, so she opted to kiss her cheek instead. "I didn't say 'I love you' just so I could hear you say it in return. I said it because it's how I feel. If you don't feel it or if you're not ready to say it, you don't have to. You need to focus on yourself right now."

Maura smiled when Jane kissed her on the cheek again. "Will you still be my girlfriend?" There was a childlike innocence about Maura when she asked that question. Her confidence was gone and it was yet another part of Maura that her illness had taken.

"Always."

Jane left five minutes before visiting hours ended so Mr. and Mrs. Isles could say goodbye to Maura and tell her what time they were going to pick her up the next morning. Maura had told them she wanted to get better, but eating was still difficult for her and not even Jane could get her to take a few bites. Eating meant getting better but if she did so much as think about eating the voices would come back, or so she told her parents; the voices, the images, everything going on inside her head that her parents and even Jane failed to understand. Her illness had become personified and even if it was trying to kill her, it was there for her when nobody else was.


End file.
